Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
