Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
