i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
