I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
