I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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