I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's just like the Real World with babies
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
