There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
whose parrot is this?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
