Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
