I wish I could teleport
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
