My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
