Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
