Already got asked if we're dating
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
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