Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
