Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
