I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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