Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
