Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
