just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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