I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
