Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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