i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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