Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
