I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
