I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
