I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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