What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
