I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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