So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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