i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
