Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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