Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
