I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
