Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
