just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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