true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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