there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
