I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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