i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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