Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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