I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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