I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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