it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
