Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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