forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
