I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
