your parents love me but you hate me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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