Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
