Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
