Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
