My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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