I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
