There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
