No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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