Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I deserve this hangover.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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