I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
