My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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