I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
