im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
